Aging options do not need to be A or B. Before deciding someone no longer fits the house, let’s get creative with the house.
Aging decisions are often presented as an either or end game: stay or go; home vs assisted living; live here or move far away to be near the grown children; be safe or be happy. I am suspicious of any care plan that offers only two doors.
I like to throw in a wild card for a third or fourth option and ask, “What if we changed how the house works?” Keep the parts of life that add value and joy. Guard the happiness. Identify the actual needs and how they are not being met right now. Look honestly at what is no longer working and change that. With some creative thinking, safety and a good life do not always have to sit in opposition and the house should serve its owner.
A woman I once consulted with was caring for her husband, who was living with dementia. They were beginning renovations to make their home work better, but the obvious plan to make her an office off the living room was not solving the real problems. She still worked from home and needed a quiet space. He needed to stay near the main floor bathroom that worked best for him. Their upstairs ensuite did not suit his needs, and helping him manage eight stairs several times a day was becoming difficult. Meanwhile, she was trying to work in the middle of the main living area while care aides, helpers and ordinary household life moved around her and he felt isolated upstairs.
Once we separated their needs, another possibility appeared: what if the downstairs renovation became his bedroom, close to the more suitable bathroom? What if the upstairs primary bedroom became her office, with a daybed, while the lovely ensuite stayed exactly as it was? As we talked, she could see it. He would have a safer, simpler setup. She would have a quiet and private place to work, away from interruptions from the comings and goings downstairs. The house did not need a conventional renovation. It needed to serve the two people actually living in it.
The same thinking applies in the kitchen. Put the items used most often at the easiest height to reach. Changes in flexibility, spinal conditions, mobility or recovery after surgery can make counter height and lower storage far more useful than cupboards that require mountaineering skills. Keep frequently used appliances near the equipment and dishes needed for the task. Organize the fridge so everyday foods are visible and easy to grab. Simplify the freezer too. Turn the little bits and bobs into soup or stew instead of allowing them to become freezer-burned obligations staring accusingly at you every time you open the door.
A home can also borrow a little help from technology: automatic shut-off devices for kitchen appliances, discreet door alerts when there is a genuine wandering risk, a floor-level motion sensor near a bathroom where falls have happened, or a smart speaker for weather, reminders, lists and favourite music. Choose technology with the person, not just for the person, and protect privacy while you are protecting safety. Useful is the goal. Surveillance is not.
This is not an argument for staying home at any cost. Sometimes a move really is the best option to meet identified needs. But move because it solves the actual problem, not because no one stopped to ask a better question.
A creative Eldercare Consultant can help identify the needs underneath the requested changes, then focus time and money where they will make the biggest difference. That may prevent frustration, avoid an expensive renovation that solves the wrong problem, or delay a move until it is truly needed. There are many ways to help a house hold on to what matters: the memories, familiar colours, the smells, the routines, the view from the favourite chair and the parts of daily life that still bring joy.
Now, don’t get me started on why wider doorways and accessible bathrooms should be standard everywhere. That is another article...and possibly a small rant.